yes, my insomnia is back with a wicked vengence. it has mutated like a virus, becoming immune to Tylenol PM and laughing in the face of melatonin and valerian. it left me completely sleepless thursday night (hence my post o’ delirium friday).
at last, i succumbed to the rx. but while the teeny-tiny pill puts me to sleep quickly, i keep waking up at 4 a.m. i guess six hours is better than no hours.
maybe i’ll go cold turkey on all supplements, chemical or otherwise, grinding it out on the couch or in front of the computer screen night after night, walking through shadow and fuzz day after day. how long can a body go without sleep? it’s gotta collapse into hypersleep at some point, doesn’t it?
but i’m told that sometimes the body will revolt with acne and cold sores (on one end), a deflated immune system and a metabolism gone stupid (on the worse end).
or maybe it’s time to up my dose of therapy back to once a week, an amount once reserved only for post-oregon depression and post traumatic denial syndrome. neither of those ever impeded my sleep. there must be something going on up there, something so ominous or overwhelming that overzealous thought patrols deny it breathing room. usually, one line (or an entire verse if i’m lucky) of a song keeps me from switching from tired to asleep. last night it was linkin park, for some godforsaken reason. Hypnos has a sick sense of humor.
or maybe i’m finally entering adulthood, as some spiritual traditions would suggest. i’ve been told by a few folks (both in the Anthroposophic and Buddhist veins) that the fourth cycle is when you leave childhood and really settle into who you are. as i learned it in my Waldorf training, this is a stage where your life goes from inward (or selfish, though not in a necessarily bad way) to outward (seeing how you fit in with the rest of the world). maybe it’s just taking me some time to adapt, and i need to wait it out.
no matter the explanation, i know it’ll pass one of these days in one way or another. i just hope that i can cope gracefully in the meantime.
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September 5, 2007 at 1:00 am
ian
i *did* collapse into hypersleep after being awake for about three and a half days, but i was busy being severely depressed and not much else…by that point i wasn’t even functional enough to hold down any sort of job at all. the physiological effects weren’t very pleasant. so…as distasteful as it may be, chemical assistance may be the way to go. (i can’t say that they are–i’ve hated all of my experiences with rx drugs and while i’d support anyone who chose to go on them, it would probably take quite a bit for me to voluntarily take anything of the sort ever again.)
or not. maybe this is necessary, in some supremely screwed up way. i don’t know. anything, really. i’m not giving advice, only trying to relate my own experience in a way that you might find helpful.
i don’t feel very helpful.
that fourth cycle stuff is interesting; it’s only been in the past few months that i’ve come to think of myself as sufficiently different enough from my previous selves that i’ve taken on (ironically enough, or not) a fourth name–for my fourth distinct self. it’s not one i use with others yet…i’m not even sure it’s a name *for* others. maybe it’s my secret name, my true name. i don’t know. or care, really–it feels right.
best to you with this.
September 5, 2007 at 7:27 am
kickedsun
i’m so sorry you can’t sleep sara.
maybe the delayed release ambien would help you not wake up at 4am. (i saw a commercial about that
) i know prescription stuff is not the best plan, but maybe it will help till you can get at the deeper issue.
omg, you should totally go back to regular therapy. in fact, as far as psychodynamic therapy goes it is best to go 2-3 times a week. i know when i started going three times a week i actually made fast progress. i had been doing cognitive behavioral therapy in the past, once a week, and it did not work for me in the same way.
maybe you should try something new?