how to disappear completely

i had a dream last night that Lauren and i had a little baby girl named Genevieve Phred with a “ph”. (the “ph” was a very emphatic point.) it was implied that i had actually given birth to Genny Phred, though i had no connection to that experience in the dream. at first, my family thought it was a boy, and my mom suggested i name him Steve Adam. and i thought, “wait a second…do you mean like Adam and Steve?” then we checked the baby’s hardware again, and discovered that Steve Adam would be inappropriate in more ways than one.

it’s no coincidence that i’m dreaming about baby-making. last night, my mom was giving me the “your dad and i are never going to have grandchildren, are we?” spiel she launches into once or twice a year, and for the first time i didn’t roll my eyes or dump the responsibility onto my heterosexual, married sister.

i turned 30 a month ago, and while the milestone hasn’t brought on any crisis of rushed adulthood and responsibility like so many people seemed to be hoping it would, it has brought into sharper focus the liabilities of my aging body. no, my hearing isn’t going and my eyesight seems to actually be holding steady at “really bad” (which is where it’s been since i was 22). i still run 5k three or four times a week, and i was playing soccer until a month ago. but my knees ache a lot of the time, and i just found out i have arthritis in my feet.

i’m beginning to realize that my body only has so much time to do the amazing things it was built to do. i played soccer for years, and i’m only now acknowledging that i was pretty good at it. but now my knees are telling me that if i’m going to be running a lot, it needs to be in a straight line at a steady pace. the feeling is moving upwards, mainly into my heart and head. it started with all the cuddle-time i had with my newborn nephew (Lauren’s sister’s son). then i started to notice all the children in my world, from inquisitive toddlers at the grocery store to the incredible young woman i mentor. i talk to my college roommate about her two children, and i find myself getting jealous.

i think i’m becoming that cliche, and i don’t mind.

the clock is ticking, and it’s freaking Lauren out. “Genevieve Phred is a cool name,” she said a little nervously after i told her about my dream. she’s not ready, and she’s told me so. it’s something we’ll have to keep talking about, something we’ll keep on the list after getting married and buying a house. the five-to-ten-year plan.

in the meantime, though, i’ll continue to believe that the piece on Sunday Morning about surrogate mothers was on this morning as my own personal, albeit sideways, reminder. and i’m going to hang onto Genny Phred, but probably not Steve Adam.

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